February 20, 2012

Denial and Delusion over Money

Dear Dr. Alasko: "Ryan" and I are discussing marriage but we have a problem with money. I'm from a large family, money was tight, and I'm still paying off college loans. Ryan's family paid for his college yet he hasn't saved a penny. For instance, I make my own coffee but every morning Ryan buys a mocha latte. And occasionally Ryan's family bails him out with cash. If I even mention a budget, he blows up. I'm extremely frustrated.


Dear Reader: You should be more than frustrated; you should be scared. Ryan is functioning inside an adolescent reality bubble in which he pretends that his financial self-indulgence can remain a functional lifestyle. You're fortunate to realize that joining him inside his bubble would mean constant conflict.

There are two powerful psychological dynamics at work here: denial and delusion. Ryan is in denial about how money actually works. And he's created a delusional reality to sustain his behaviors.

Denial is one of our "ego defense mechanisms" and serves the essential purpose of protecting us from reality's cruelty. Denial allows us "to not think about it" as a way to focus on something that needs to be done. Without a healthy denial system, we'd be overwhelmed with worry about issues beyond our control.

In Ryan's case, however, he uses denial to ignore the fact that money is a finite resource (like time, health, life) and must be respected and managed with care.

Delusion is linked to denial. That is, when an essential fact is denied ("I don't ever have to discipline my spending"), delusion provide an alternate reality in which money magically appears, or will appear, or things will work out in some fantasy realm. It doesn't matter how.

Dr. Alasko's weekly newspaper column for the Monterey Herald — "On Relationships" — now in its fourteenth year.

Denial and delusion were at work during the housing bubble. People borrowed money on their homes and delusionally imagined that the loan would never have to be repaid because their house would perpetually increase in value.

It's worrisome to hear that Ryan blows up when you try to discuss money. His message is: "I like my delusional reality and I will not allow you to change it. Don't bother me with facts."

From his point of view, he's right. His parents continue to rescue him so why should he change? Making changes would be painful. He might have to make his own coffee! He'd have to challenge his self-indulgence!

But can this be a permanent life-style for you?

Furthermore, self-indulgent behaviors are not isolated. I'd guess there are other areas where he maintains adolescent ideas, such as not cleaning up after himself, piling up laundry, being frequently forgetful. Exploding when you try to discuss a very important issued indicates serious immaturity.

This is a problem that must be solved, and you're wise to recognize it as a problem. If Ryan refuses to address this issue, you will be perennially dealing with money problems, as well as a host of other self-indulgent behaviors. If Ryan is not willing to address your concerns, you'll know that he will do everything to maintain his delusional reality. Marrying into a delusion is not wise.

Carl Alasko, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is the author of "Emotional BS" and "Beyond Blame." For information about his books, see: carlalasko.com. Contact him at dralasko@gmail.com

© Copyright 2008 and beyond Carl Alasko, PhD